We turned in early on Tuesday night last for we had a flight to catch at 0600 next morning to Surfers Paradise, a holiday town on the famed Aussie Gold Coast, where we looked forward to seven days fun in the sun, playing in the sea and lazing on the beach.
We'd booked a package but we weren't prepared for the grandeur of our apartment when we were allowed in at around 1030 that morning.
After months of hotel rooms of varying sizes, quality and comfort, to be presented with a two-bed, two bathroomed, huge-lounged and modern fitted-kitchened place with large balcony and sea view was tremendous.
It was like a home from home, better than home actually, and as it turned out it was a good job it was.
There was one major drawback to our sumptuous gaff though - wifi was only available on payment of a fee: $12 for an hour, $16 for two hours or $24 for a period of 24 hours. Amounts that we would rather attend an ex-pats housewives meeting than pay.
Great country this may be but the Internet, or unavailability thereof unless one wishes to part with ludicrous amounts of cash, is a definite black mark against it.
As soon as we'd checked in we hit the beach and played in the waves, threw frisbee (exceedingly badly; well, three quarters of our party were girls) and played football.
The weather was fabulous, the sea warm and seaweed-free and life felt pretty good.
Afterwards we went to the hotel pool where a sudden manoeuvre on my part over a sun lounger resulted in my cheapo swimming shorts, bought in Panama, turning into a skirt by virtue of a clean tear right down the gusset.
It was unfortunate that some other guests emerged from the hotel at the very moment that the air was pierced with the noise of ripping fabric, but their blushes were spared by those white netting pants that had been chafing my clackers for the past four months.
Totally shattered from only getting about fours sleep, we all went to bed early that evening and were a bit disappointed to wake next day to heavy cloud.
It was still warm though so we went in the sea again, this time with body boards, though the girls and me felt a few stings from jellyfish so we called it a day soon after lunchtime and went in the hotel pool and sauna.
On Friday the weather was even worse. We had all woken early so by 1000 hours we were in town where the shopaholics among us could get a fix and those not interested in trying on innumerate pairs of shoes could work on strengthening their thigh muscles by standing inanimately for varying amounts of time feigning interest. Walking back for lunch, the heavens opened and we got completely soaked to the skin.
Later on we took a bus a couple of miles up the coast to Broadbeach and went to the cinema for Tarantino's latest offering, "Django Unchained", a brilliant film that we all loved.
That evening we caught the weather report and were horrified to learn that a cyclone was heading our way.
We hoped it might be incorrect but on waking up first on Saturday morning I soon saw that it wasn't.
There was little to do but watch telly though we did manage a fifteen minute walk on the beach where we saw thousands of blue jellyfish on the sand. Known as 'Bluebottles', these were presumably responsible for the stings we received the other day.
Back in the room we had a good old-fashioned heart to heart with the girls, something so simple and taken for granted by parents and children alike the world over but so appreciated by us in light of how things are at the moment.
Spleens vented, we made full use of the Sky dish and watched trashy tv and waited for the lashing rain and howling winds to pass.
It was the same story on Sunday, weather wise, so we went back to Broadbeach to go to the cinema again, this time to watch 'Life of Pi'.
Due to a planning error we arrived fifteen minutes too late for the film so having spent money to get here and not wishing to return immediately to our now cabin-fever-inducing digs, we looked around the shops in the mall.
When I say 'we' I mean Kerry and India. Kerry has been denied the joys of this incomprehensible pursuit for many months and acted like a released coiled spring; India, it turns out, needs no second invitation to try shoes on, manhandle handbags and coo at dresses so these two had a ball.
Jasmine and I mainly stood outside the shops, chatting and developing leg ache.
According to Sunday evening's weather report, Monday was to be the peak of the storm. Despite Friday providing some of the most tempestuous weather I'd ever seen and it having got progressively worse since, we apparently had a fouler day ahead of us.
I woke up on Monday to our balcony windows rattling, rain bucketing down and trees bending over alarmingly due to the gale force winds.
Some holiday this was turning out to be!
Once we'd found a cab company prepared to come out to us we went back to the cinema and consummated our desire to watch 'Life of Pi', an every day tale of a young chap shipwrecked in the Pacific with a only a Bengal tiger for company.
Emerging from that assault on the senses we could hardly believe our eyes to see bright sunshine and we actually punched the air and whooped with delight at the apparent passing of the storm.
We were a bit premature because we went for a walk on the beach back at our place and got soaked by a sudden squall but on Tuesday we were finally in the clear: bright sun, 32 degree temperatures, no wind and not a cloud in the sky.
The girls were desperate to go to a theme park called 'Movieworld' so off we went and spent a wonderful day, queuing for around five hours, interspersed with five minutes of mainly terror whilst strapped into gyrating and corkscrewing roller coasters.
I jest. I love the rides but it is unquestionably a serious ball ache to stand for so long for comparative nanoseconds of unbridled delirium.
The most notable coaster was one which shot you out of the blocks at a speed of 100 km/h, reached in two seconds flat. Pre-ride spiel informed you that you would be subjected to four positive Gs and one negative and that anyone in anything less than the rudest of health should seriously consider whether they should subject themselves to this torment.
In case you're wondering, I have no idea what positive and negative Gs are, only that the inertia made my lips flap like a French Mastiff and my eyeballs disappear somewhere deep inside my head.
With half an hour to kill before our ride home we were treated / subjected to a parade by the characters of Movieworld.
There were Disney characters, super heroes such as Batman, a Marilyn Monroe and a very convincing and funny Austin Powers. (Behave!)
The highlights though were undoubtedly the Wonder Woman (surely there is no greater costume on this earth?) and the quite incredibly muscular bum cheeks of the Captain America, accentuated by his sheer blue tights.
By way of recovery from all that excitement (and expenditure) we had a final hour on the beach at Surfer's and that, pretty much, was that.
Two sunny days, one OK and four so dreadful that you would almost think that you were witnessing the apocalypse but in spite of that we had a fabulous time.
With beautiful, hilarious and loving daughters to reacquaint with, plus the most wonderful partner in the world, how could it have been anything but?









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