The Sunshine State

To go travelling is to expose yourself to the extremes that life can offer. One day an extravagant high resulting in high fives and general cock-a-hoop ness, another day a moribund and abject excuse of an existence as you merely seek to get through whatever misery you have inflicted upon yourself through your folly. I was well aware of all this before we set off but we have graphically played this out over the past  5 or 6 days. We disembarked from our train at Miami at 1820 last Sunday (30 minutes earlier than advertised) and made for the Airways Inn and Suites, a  very welcome private room after 2 nights in dorms and one on the train. One would imagine that Miami station would be teeming with life, particularly around the excitement of one of only two long distance arrivals of the day. A thriving station concourse, shops and eateries, a shoe shine perhaps, ATM, taxi rank. How about none of these. For those with a modicum of knowledge of Britain's railways think Weston-super-Mare, only without the taxis, the one thing we wanted after our long journey. Ironic really that NYC and DC were positively awash with them and now we finally wanted one there wasn't one in sight. We waited along with the two hefty lasses of the cacophonous snoring and an elderly and deaf gent from Jacksonville who was flying to La Paz in Bolivia for work. Conversation with him was limited on account of his difficulty hearing but we did manage to strike an accord that we would share a taxi should one ever deign to show up. After 10 minutes or so one pulled up but on hearing that we wanted the airport the driver said he wasn't going that way and drove off! Another 20 or so exasperating minutes passed before we finally got our ride though I have no doubt we were ripped off, paying $19 for the 3 or 4 mile journey. Regardless of this it was good to be in our own space and the on-site sports bar provided us with a hearty feast of meatloaf and veg for a great price too. Next morning breakfast was served by the pool and all seemed well with the world. The hotel provided a shuttle to the airport bus station so we made use of that and caught the bus to Miami south beach on Monday morning, ooohing and aaaahing at the beautiful city as we  travelled through it. We were dropped off only a couple of blocks from our hotel and, having seen the room, quickly upped our stay from one to four nights. We'd originally only booked one thinking we'd probably head out to Key West ASAP but 5 minutes on south beach convinced us to hole up here for a while. The hotel was a joy. To you these features probably seem run of the mill but to us, trying to survive on a relatively meagre budget, it was magical to behold: comfy bed, thick pile carpet, kettle, fridge, hot shower, private toilet. Easily pleased is the traveller. It was baking hot, high 70s, so we went to the beach and spent the afternoon swimming, sunbathing and reading. At last, some relaxation after being on the hoof, not to mention the stresses and strains of our final weeks in Blighty. There's simply nothing like swimming in an azure, warm sea with powdery sand to dry off on. Feeling flushed with success we went out for dinner, Kerry resplendent in her eye-catching designer dress, opting for Peruvian food not least because of the 2 for 1 offer on sangria. Unfortunately 2 for 1 means something different in the US than it does back home. Here it means that each person gets 2 drinks for the price of 1 so what we thought would be a cheap drink ended up costing us twice as much as we thought, gutting when every dollar counts. This wouldn't be the only misunderstanding in Miami! Though a little burnt we spent Tuesday on the beach too but were much more careful to slap up with factor 15 than we perhaps were yesterday. Conscious of the pennies we thought we'd have a diner meal tonight but our good intentions merely descended into farce. Taking our seats in "Jerry's famous 24 hour diner" we quickly saw that food here was just as expensive as the restaurant from the previous evening. With it being a vast menu we decided to stay and just pick something cheap, Kerry going for salad nicoise and me "chili chicken with veg and potatoes". Our waiter was a slightly nasal version of Richard O'Brien's character in Rocky Horror and, my having requested raspberry iced tea, he apologised for its unavailability and brought unsweetened ice tea instead. I'd had this back at the airport and it is rank. It is basically cold tea with no sugar. I can't even abide hot tea with no sugar so this is an affront but, being a good old Brit who doesn't like to complain, I accepted it. When the food came Kerry's salad was missing 5 items from its menu description. 5. When she complained she was told the salad guy was off but he could arrange to put a boiled egg on the side if she wanted. She decided not and reordered saying "I'll just have the same as him", pointing at my plate. Meanwhile, in the melee, I hadn't realised that my chili chicken was accompanied not by potatoes and veg but by 3 plastic pots containing: grated cheese, a chopped boiled egg and some raw onion. We waited a few minutes for Kerry's meal but with Richard O'Brien the picture of inactivity we asked whether it would be long. "Would what be long? Oh, did you want some food"? Opined Richard! Needless to say we didn't tip after this disaster. Wednesday morning was spent on a frantic quest to organise our next few days. Would we visit the Everglades, go to Key West by hire car or bus, head to New Orleans next or hoochie coochie up the Florida coast? Decisions decisions. After seeing the cost of hiring a convertible Mustang leap from $77 online to $299 once we'd added in all taxes and insurances that ruled that out and we ultimately decided that we needed to crack on and get to New Orleans really but all this took time. We also had to find an affordable room in Key West which is no mean feat. With all this finally achieved we hit the beach again prior to another food based misunderstanding. For dinner tonight I ordered grilled fish and Kerry ordered "the same". When our meals arrived we were amazed how small it was. Seemingly 1 portion of rice, 3 boiled potatoes and 2 portions of child sized fish. What of these mammoth portions everyone told us about before we came? Nevertheless we tucked in and it was delicious but the more we ate the more we couldn't help but think we might just have one meal and not two. Eventually we asked the waitress who was horrified to realise we had wanted two meals because sure enough, we had just the one. It seems then that "I'll have the same" means "I'll eat off that grey haired fellas plate for we only want one meal to share (how else do you think I can get into this dress?)". Lesson learnt! On Thursday we took a trip to the Everglades with a tour company and fulfilled one of Kerry's ambitions to ride an airboat. It was great fun and another thing ticked off the bucket list, though a new one has been added- Kerry now wants to pilot an airboat! We took the opportunity to eat some 'gator (looks like chicken nuggets, taste like chewy chicken nuggets) and then sat in some shade while we waited for the rest of our bus load to get themselves together. During this interlude I both admired the cut of our sextuagenarian drivers' jib what with his 'gator skin boots, linen suit and slicked back long grey hair and also was defecated on by a blackbird. Back in Miami we hit the beach for what would be the final time and took some great pics of each other in the surf. Next morning it was time to pack up and leave for Key West and I awoke with the blues, perhaps melancholy at leaving our beautiful room and the sanctuary of South Beach, but also maybe I had some inkling of the day that lay ahead. Kerry, perennially vexated at not being able to shut her pack, left her flattering but oh so impractical Karen Millen dress for our chamber maid, along with a note in Spanish saying she hoped it fit her. It was a shame to just give it away but bringing it was akin to my having brought stilts and a top hat so it had to be jettisoned. After brekkie we sauntered round to what we hoped was the bus stop for the  airport and, as we were unsure I thought I'd ask one of my fellow bus stop-ees for reassurance. It was a toss-up between a Hispanic lady, a teenage boy and a large and unfriendly looking chap who was sporting chin furniture of about 3 inches in length whilst devoid of 'tache and mutton chops. You can picture it? One of those weirdy beardy types who don't go for the full set. I opted to approach him but even as I did so I sensed it was the wrong move but that didn't prepare me for his response to my polite question: "Excuse me, is this the right stop for he airport bus?" "Get out of my fucking face or I'll fucking kill you" came his unblinking response. Enough said! I retreated and asked the driver of the next bus that pulled up instead. The trip to Key West was amazing. That there is a road the 100 odd miles from the mainland through the Keys is incredible in itself but to travel on it is a fantastic experience. The route actually started out as a railway line and was the vision of one Henry Flagler, a tycoon in league with John D Rockefeller and the man responsible for creating Miami as a noteworthy town back in the 1880s by way of his building the railway down from Orlando. Miami was going to be called "Flagler" but he turned the honour down and insisted it was named after the native Indian name for the area: Mai-a-mi. I digress. Flagler saw money in providing a rail route from the mainland to what was then the biggest city in Florida and nearest US enclave to the recently opened Panama canal and ploughed $50m into building it. It only lasted about 20 years as successive hurricanes damaged it sufficiently to render it dangerous to use and the US government bought it and turned it into a road. After 4.5 hours we were in Key West and, having waited the best part of an hour at the airport for a local bus into town with a guy dressed in a pinstripe suit, denim shirt with the arms ripped off, ponytail and flip flops, we were finally on our way to our hostel. As the bus pulled in and we boarded I spied a likely place to park my derrière but was quickly put off it by the prone and lolling figure I would have to sit next to. Uncannily this guy was also sporting a 3 inch chin beard without 'tache and as we sped downtown he proceeded to sit up, open his eyes and then belch sufficiently violently to produce visible bile at the corner of his mouth. A second or two later he was fully retching and a horrified bus load watched him bowk his guts up, down his shirt, onto the floor and onto the vacant seat next to him. We all groaned in unison with each disgusting new emission. It was truly revolting and the stench on that bus was truly appalling. To compound matters he then stood up, only for his trousers to begin to fall to reveal silver knee length boxers. He managed to retrieve that situation but as he was ejected from the bus and began tottering away his strides gave way to gravity again and this time remained around his ankles a la Kenneth Williams in Carry on Abroad. 'Welcome to Key West' said the guy on the bus. Indeed! The days horrors weren't yet over because our hostel was nothing less than a hovel barely fit for human habitation. I've stopped in a few seedy joints in my time and Kerry has been around a bit but we've never seen anything like this. It resembled a prison cell, that's the best way I can describe it. This sucked the life out of us and got us off on completely the wrong foot with KW but to its credit it soon won me over with its pretty buildings, tropical vibe and laid-back inhabitants. I'm so impressed I'm already formulating plans to return. There's certainly a gap in the market for someone to open a decent hostel and I think someone could do a lot worse than wind up here. Not sure how quickly I'd get bored cycling the 12 flat miles around the island's circumference though! After a fabulous 3 days here we're now off again, back to Miami before embarking on the next significant leg - to New Orleans by bus, a 20 hour journey that will take place whilst Man City play Man Utd. Some bad planning if ever there was any!